From a couples and sex therapist: What are key factors for thriving long-term committed relationships?
I often hear from couples who experience romantic anxiety or relationship stress: “We need to work on our communication.”
Indeed communication skills are important for cultivating loving relationships and interdependence, but what does healthy communication actually look like? And is communication only oral or also emotional and behavioral? You guessed it, all types of communication matter for couples interacting positively and lovingly.
Communicating respectfully and intentionally to safeguard connection is a great way to move through conflict more effectively, but what does ineffective or harmful communication look like? There are some important “no-no’s” that can quickly harm a relationship without accountability or repair. If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner, you’ve found a safe place to start healing.
Through his own research and lab work with actual couples, well-known marriage expert and author Dr. John M. Gottman refers to the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work.
These four behaviors essentially deteriorate emotional connection in a relationship and likely result in divorce or breakup: defensiveness, criticism, stone-walling, and contempt.
It is important to emphasize that in the case of the first two, defensiveness and criticism, it is the more frequent or chronic presentation of these behaviors that becomes problematic, not the occasional defensive comment or critical remark.
We are all human and can occasionally fall victim to emotional reactiveness, especially in times of stress or suboptimal mental/physical health, however when these communication patterns become regular, that’s when harm occurs.
When a partner frequently responds in conflict with an immediate defensive comment, with no meaningful attempt at listening without judgement nor ability to take the other’s perspective on an issue, this has the effect of shutting down conversation and dismissing the other partner’s feelings.
The more this happens in a relationship, the more destructive it is, ultimately resulting in a rupture in connection. The same goes for frequent criticizing, which can take on a verbally abusive quality without enough positive reinforcement and appreciation to offset the harm caused.
Stone-walling is a term for when a partner deliberately ignores the other or gives them the “cold shoulder” in an effort to punish or regain power in the relationship, which is also an emotionally manipulative tactic and thus destructive.
Finally, the feeling and manifestation of contempt is when one partner has become so disenchanted in the relationship that their ability to access loving feelings, admiration, or appreciation is very limited and is dominated by feelings of disgust or repulsion.
This is communicated through blunted or angry affect, lack of engagement and ability to access empathy, and ultimately lack of interest in maintaining connection. If a partner is experiencing this type of aversion or disconnection, it is sadly a difficult place from which to recover, thus often leading to the demise of the relationship.
Now that we’ve discussed the red-flags or what-not-to-do’s of relationship communication, what factors will keep your relationship feeling solid, good, and shiny?
The most important tip is: keep speaking your partner’s love language and offering them love in the ways they like to receive it (see earlier blog on love languages), and they can do the same for you! This is a sure way to stay happy and fulfilled in your relationship.
Whether you like words of affirmation or appreciation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, or acts of service from your partner (or if you’re like me, all five!), keep gently and lovingly encouraging them to speak your love language, and remember to do the same for them.
When in doubt, offering ANY forms of love and admiration is better than offering none, but it is nice to give your partner what they really like and need to feel loved, appreciated, and admired. Again, these are not only verbal forms of health loving communication, but also behavioral and emotional.
Sexual activity is also a powerful conduit for emotional connection and is helpful when partners are at a verbal impasse during times of conflict. Being able to physically reconnect erotically, give and receive pleasurable touch, and experience orgasm, is a great way to feel close to your partner.
Physical intimacy releases positive chemicals like dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin that are great for your emotional and physical wellness. Sex can remind you and your partner of your attraction and bond on a more primal level.
It can be difficult for many folks to feel sexual desire during conflict, however when available and not within the context of an abusive situation, being open to physical intimacy can be a powerful means to reset and calm the nervous system.
Once both partners are more emotionally regulated and connected, it is easier to access empathy for the other and ensure more conscious, constructive dialogue after a fight.
Let’s remember, long-term committed relationships take a lot of hard work, but practicing these communication Do’s and Don’ts is a sure way to protect your bond from daily life stressors and challenges and reduces the frequency of having trouble communicating with your partner.
Love languages can really help strengthen the foundation of a relationship, and a strong foundation is more resilient to weathering storms.
Even if you grew up being exposed to relational dynamics where criticism, defensiveness, or stone-walling were common, you can learn to change this pattern and work on restricting or extinguishing these behaviors in your own relationships. Like with any habit, practice and repetition can rewire the brain and get you where you’d like to be.
About Bozhena Evans LCSW | Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist in Wheat Ridge, Colorado
Hi, I’m Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist near Denver, Colorado in Arvada, CO.
In my experience, couples can start out hot and steamy with their attraction, chemistry, and great sex, but they might struggle with emotional intimacy free of fears, disappointments, and trust issues.
Understandably, a healthy companionship becomes more challenging in this case as the couple works to explore and heal their wounds until a more secure attachment develops.
If you are finding yourself having trouble communicating with your partner, please reach out and start a journey of healing today. I offer a free consultation below to see if we are a good fit for each other. I look forward to meeting you.
