Sexual Intimacy: Can You Have a Happy Sex Life? (Yes.)

Sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. It’s normal for sex to lose some of its spark over time, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to rekindle. Here are some ways you can keep your sexual intimacy alive, even after years together:

Don’t ignore it.

It’s easy to ignore this kind of problem, but that can only make it worse. If you’re ignoring how you feel, the issue won’t go away on its own. Nor will it fix itself if you don’t talk about it with your partner; in fact, that may only make things worse. You need to be able to communicate with them and work through things together in order to find a sexual intimacy solution that works for both of you.

If you’re feeling ignored, it can be easy to start to feel like what you have to say doesn’t matter. You may start wondering if your partner even cares about what’s going on in your life, or if they only care about themselves. It’s important to remember that this isn’t true—they most likely do care about you and want to hear from you.

Practice talking about sex.

It’s important to talk about sex with your partner, and it can be a difficult conversation to start. It’s okay to ask for what you want, but also be aware of what your partner wants as well. Don’t be afraid to say no if you don’t like something or if it makes you uncomfortable—and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing things that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable!

If one person doesn’t know how the other person likes sex, they may have an idea based on past experience or assumptions based on their own desires. Without discussing these things directly with each other, however, it’s hard for people in relationships to really know what their partners are thinking and feeling sexually.

This can lead them down paths where one person is unhappy with how often (or not) their needs are being met by their partner. It can also cause sexual intimacy problems when there isn’t enough communication between two partners who aren’t sure whether they’re compatible sexually, for example if one thinks that another only likes oral sex while another thinks only penetration counts as “real” intercourse! 

Sometimes the issue is simply that partners are not in the same frame of mind regarding feeling desire to have sex.

In her brilliant book on female sexuality (and sexuality in general) Come as You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. eloquently refers to our “accelerator” and our “brakes” when discussing sexual desire. Some of us have more sensitive brakes, which means we are more likely to assess the environment for reasons why we should not have sex, thus putting on the brakes, while others have a sensitive accelerator and are more quick to experience spontaneous desire and not be as deterred by environmental barriers. Understanding how we differ as partners and communicating can really help guide us into more mutually satisfying sex.

Take it one step at a time.

It’s important for you to understand that the process of improving sexual intimacy is gradual. There are no quick fixes; you have to work at it, one step at a time. Some steps might be easy, others may take longer and involve more effort.

• Don’t focus on changing everything at once: You can’t expect your partner to change overnight just because you want them to. If they’re not ready or willing to make changes yet, don’t push them into doing so – they may end up resenting you for it later on, or when sexual exploration doesn’t work out as expected (and then you both will regret it). Instead, try focusing on one thing that would improve things in your relationship and work towards making this change happen slowly but surely over time; if this change improves the situation between the two of you then keep advocating for further discussion and exploration!

Try Something New In (or Out!) of the Bedroom.

If you’re feeling stuck in a sexual rut, try something new. You can make a game of it, or even use a list to see what items you’ve tried out in the bedroom.

For example, have you tried any new positions? Have you used sex toys with each other? Have either of you been adventurous enough to try something like bondage or role-playing?

Another idea is to get creative in your sex life: try different types of foreplay, mix up the location where you have sex and explore different techniques. 

I love the idea that foreplay begins after the last orgasm. This simply means that in order to maximize fun in the bedroom, you have to actively work on incorporating playfulness and flirtation outside of the bedroom in order to build desire. Of course this also includes attuning to each other’s emotional needs and utilizing your partner’s love languages to keep them feeling emotionally and soulfully satiated. 

Be patient with yourself and your partner.

It is important to be patient with yourself and your partner. Having expectations for perfection and specific outcomes aren’t serving you or your partner. I like to think that enjoying the process is more important than achieving a certain outcome. Focus on enjoying the journey together by being open to learning as much as possible about each other’s bodies and needs as well as setting up your environment in such a way that makes it easier for you/your partner to let go and really experience pleasure. We know that some of us have preoccupied minds, so what will it take for us to really let go for a half an hour or so?

Manage your expectations and roleplay to help cope with disappointment.

It’s important to manage expectations. It’s easy to get stuck in our heads and start thinking about what might happen, but it’s best not to focus on those things. Instead, try to enjoy the moment as it comes.

Roleplaying can be a great way for couples to connect with each other and help cope with disappointment or lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship. Roleplaying is also fun! You can act out scenes that you may have seen in movies or read about online (or even make up your own), use props like costumes and toys, or even just imagine yourselves somewhere else entirely—on an island or at the beach or wherever else you want! When you’re roleplaying together as part of sex play, it helps get both partners out of their heads and into their bodies so that they experience more pleasure during sex than ever before!

Find ways to turn yourself on, whether you’re in the mood or not.

Sometimes, you just don’t feel like having sex or sex isn’t an available option. But that doesn’t mean you can never be turned on again! You can use touch to turn yourself on throughout the day and then ask your partner for more intimacy later in the evening. It might help if you consider touching as foreplay—and not just something that happens before sex. Touching is a form of communication, so even if it doesn’t lead to intercourse or oral sex right away, you’ll still be communicating with one another through physical contact.

Touching can also be sensual rather than sexual; consider taking turns massaging each other’s feet while watching TV together on the couch after dinner instead of immediately jumping into bed and removing clothing (which may make your partner uncomfortable). Or, rub each other’s shoulders when lying down together after getting home from work—this type of nonsexual touching shows affection without being overtly sexual in nature and will make both parties feel closer as a result. Remember that point about foreplay beginning after the last orgasm?

Trying out new experiences together which take you out of your relationship comfort zone can be a fun way to build arousal and see your partner in a different light.

Try taking a fun class together like art, cooking, or dancing, where you can experience the skills together and be playful. Anything that feels less predictable and more new can help build arousal and excitement. 

You also don’t have to use touch to experience arousal. In her book Mating in Captivity – Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Esther Perel discusses the importance of experiencing “seperateness” from your partner as a way to elevate sexual desire and arousal. She discusses how sometimes we de-sexualize our partner because we love them so deeply and feel very safe with them, and these feelings of safety and stability conflict with feelings of lust and “fire” for them, since lust is inherently unsafe, unpredictable, and thrilling. Why do you think all new relationships feel so exciting at first? Thus, if we can allow more opportunities to see each other from afar–literally or metaphorically–more regularly, for instance spending a little more time apart from our partner, engaging in our own activities and hobbies, or even maintaining connections with other people in our lives, this can help create more physical longing for our partner. 

Focus on the positive aspects of your body and your partner’s body.

When you’re focusing on the positive aspects of your body and your partner’s body, it’s easier to get past any negative feelings you may have about either. You can’t change what you don’t like about yourself, but you can learn to accept (and  hopefully) love your body and move on—which is exactly what we mean when we talk about “letting go” of your insecurities. By focusing on the good things rather than getting caught up in what’s wrong with you or them (or sex itself), both partners are able to connect more deeply during sex because they’re not distracted by their own thoughts and fears.

The same goes for couples who want more sexual intimacy in their lives but feel like they’re coming from a place of scarcity rather than abundance: Try thinking less about how much sex others are having and instead work on adding value in your own relationship by focusing on one another and being attuned to positive change that benefits you both. Comparing ourselves to some idealized version isn’t productive. Growth of mind and sexual spirit is what matters! Let’s continue to grow and stretch ourselves, like in other areas of life.

Conclusion

I hope you find the information we have provided here to be helpful and informative. Remember that there is no one right way to approach sexual intimacy with your partner, so take what works for you and leave the rest behind! I highly recommend you reach out to a sex therapist near you if you have a history of sexual trauma or if you just need a little more focused support.

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