I worry that my partner cannot meet my needs. Are we really right for each other? Should we stay together and work on our relationship – or just go our separate ways? I feel stuck. I don’t know where to turn.
Relationship anxiety arises in many intimate relationships, especially in long-term partnerships. It begins when people find themselves asking, “Is my partner truly ‘right’ for me?”
We ask ourselves (or others!) this scary question, not because we don’t love our partner, but because we’re uncertain whether our partner – or any one relationship – can meet all our needs, material (stability), emotional (security) and intimate (sexuality), along with many others, including the needs we feel now and those we will come to feel as we grow and change. We may worry. We may feel alone. Where can we turn? Who can help us? And what can we do to call out the partner who shows more commitment to the needs of our relationship?
Remember, most of us enter long-term commitments filled with love, hope, and confidence.
We expect that, no matter the future challenges, our loving connection will stay strong and carry us through any rough patches we might experience. Of course, we’ll make it work, forever. Right?
However, at the start, we often underestimate the profound social, psychological, and generational forces that complicate modern relationships, these days more than ever. These fast-changing times begin to test us and our partnerships more than we ever expected.
Yet, life happens.
And, as our personal and relational landscapes shift, we start to worry. In the words of the ‘80s band ironically named the Clash, we wonder, with some anxiety, “Should I stay, or should I go?” Can we still find fulfillment as a couple? What will it take?
Looking for a sense of hope, we wonder, Can anyone help us chart a path to happiness together and help us develop the insights and skills we’ll need in order to stay on our path to feeling fulfilled and satisfied, as individuals and as a couple? We know that we may need some help.
Navigating Relationship Stress in a Changing World
We’re living longer, which means spending more years in committed relationships—relationship stress is not just expected, it’s unavoidable. Add to that the fact that gender roles have shifted dramatically: today, women are less socially and economically dependent on men, and all individuals are more empowered to advocate for their emotional and sexual needs.
As Esther Perel explains in Mating in Captivity, today’s partners are expected to be everything to each other—best friend, co-parent, financial partner, therapist, and passionate lover. While this multifaceted vision of love is empowering, it also leads to immense pressure and inevitable disillusionment.
Relationship Anxiety and the Big Questions
With so many roles expected of one person, it’s natural to ask:
- Can my partner meet my needs?
- Is my partner willing to grow and learn how to better meet those needs?
- Where might they be limited—and are those limitations tolerable?
- Is my overall relationship fulfilling enough to outweigh the deficits?
- Can I meet some of my needs through friendships, community, or other means—and which ones must be met by my partner?
These aren’t easy questions, but they are vital for long-term relational fulfillment. Exploring them may surface relationship anxiety, especially for those with insecure attachment styles (see footnote below). Still, the discomfort of facing these questions head-on often leads to greater clarity and authenticity.
The Role of Couples Counseling in Finding Clarity
Couples counseling (or individual therapy) can provide a supportive space to examine whether a relationship can continue to grow—or whether it’s time to let go. A skilled therapist can help you navigate these painful decisions without blame, shame, or fear-based thinking.
In counseling, couples are often guided to explore what relationship stress is teaching them. Are you fighting because your needs aren’t compatible? Or are you simply lacking the skills, language, or emotional bandwidth to bridge the gap?
Relationship anxiety is often rooted in the fear of being too much—or not enough—for our partner. Therapy can help clarify whether the issue is a temporary disconnect or a long-term incompatibility.
Growth vs. Capacity: Is My Partner Right for Me?
Ultimately, the “capacity vs. growth” question becomes central. Is your partner capable of doing the emotional work necessary to meet your needs—or are you hitting ingrained limitations that cause emotional pain, resentment, or disengagement? And what is your role in empowering them to grow and change toward the kind of partner you want and need.
Some partners may genuinely struggle with certain behaviors due to personality traits, trauma history, or attachment patterns. How can you help your partner to join with you in honest effort? The next question becomes: Can I accept this reality without losing myself in the process?
This is where relationship stress often reaches its peak—especially when layered with children, mortgages, or shared assets. The fear of hurting each other or disrupting the lives you’ve built together can make any potential breakup feel impossible.
Breaking Up or Staying Together: Choosing a Path You Can Live With
Even when it feels unbearable to imagine separating, sometimes people stay in relationships that quietly erode their self-worth or joy. Couples counseling can help you sort through the chaos of emotion and logistics to develop relational awareness rooted in clarity, not fear.
Whether you develop new relationship skills and work through the issues or choose to lovingly uncouple, you must choose a path that aligns with your long-term wellbeing and authentic self. The question “Is my partner right for me?” becomes less about perfection, and more about emotional sustainability and mutuality. How can we nurture a relationship contract that grows as we grow?
Footnote: A Brief Look at Attachment Theory
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that early caregiver relationships shape how we approach intimacy, conflict, and vulnerability.
- Anxious attachment often leads to relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment, and a strong need for reassurance.
- Avoidant attachment can trigger withdrawal, self-sufficiency, and discomfort with closeness.
These patterns play a major role in how we perceive our partner’s ability to meet our emotional needs, especially during conflict or when needs go unmet.
About Bozhena Evans LCSW | Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist in Wheat Ridge, Colorado
Hi, I’m Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist near Denver, Colorado in Arvada, CO.
In my experience, couples can start out hot and steamy with their attraction, chemistry, and great sex, but they might struggle with emotional intimacy free of fears, disappointments, and trust issues.
Understandably, a healthy companionship becomes more challenging in this case as the couple works to explore and heal their wounds until a more secure attachment develops.
If you are finding yourself having trouble communicating with your partner, please reach out and start a journey of healing today. I offer a free consultation below to see if we are a good fit for each other. I look forward to meeting you.
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