There is a story many couples tell themselves, usually for years before they ever call a therapist: “We are not bad enough yet.” Therapy, in this story, is for couples who are really in trouble, couples on the verge of divorce, couples who have survived infidelity, couples who can barely be in the same room without it turning into a fight. “We are not like that,” the story goes. “We just have some things to work on.”

This narrative doesn’t come without a cost. Relationships can deteriorate with more time spent doing little or nothing to improve emotional and/or physical connection and going on as status quo.

Knowing when to start couples therapy is one of the most important and least discussed questions in relationship health. The answer, for most couples, is earlier than they think.

If you are searching for “couples counseling Denver” or “help for marriage problems in Denver,” this post is for you, wherever you are on the spectrum of relationship distress.

Is Couples Therapy a Last Resort? Why Most Couples Wait Too Long to Get Help

Couples counseling in Denver and beyond has an image problem. It is still widely perceived as something you do when you are out of options, a Hail Mary pass before someone files for divorce. This perception keeps couples out of therapy when they could benefit most: early, when patterns are still flexible, when both people still feel genuine care for each other, when the wounds are not yet deep enough to have left scar tissue.

Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that the average couple waits six years from the onset of relationship problems before seeking help–six years. That is six years of resentment accumulating, six years of emotional withdrawal deepening, six years of the connection that originally brought two people together quietly eroding.

The most effective couples therapy is preventive couples therapy, working on the relationship not when it is in crisis, but when it is simply not as connected, honest, or smooth as you know it could be.

You do not need to be falling apart to deserve support. The couples who get the most out of therapy are often the ones who come before they are desperate, when they still have enough goodwill and connection left to do the work.

Signs You Need Couples Counseling: How to Know When Your Relationship Needs Professional Support

So when is the right time? Here are some of the most important signals that couples counseling in Denver would be a valuable next step, not because things are dire, but because the relationship is asking for attention.

You are having the same fight over and over again. The content changes–money, sex, parenting, household responsibilities–but the feeling is often the same. Someone feels unheard; someone feels attacked. The fight ends without resolution, usually in fight or flight or withdrawal. And then, a few weeks–or even days–later, it happens again. Repeated conflict that never truly resolves is one of the clearest signals that something structural needs to shift, and that is exactly what couples therapy examines and addresses.

You have stopped trying to resolve things at all. Paradoxically, the absence of conflict can be just as concerning as its presence. When couples stop fighting, it is sometimes because they have found genuine peace. More often, it is because one or both partners have emotionally disengaged, given up on the idea that their needs can be heard and met. This emotional withdrawal or shutdown response is a protective survival response from pain, however it has unfavorable emotional and even physical side effects, and of course it does nothing to actually repair emotional connection between partners during conflict–quite the opposite, as more distance ensues.

Physical or emotional intimacy has significantly decreased. This includes sexual intimacy, but it also includes the smaller forms of closeness that sustain a relationship: touching, laughing together, confiding in each other, giving one another compliments or words of appreciation, reaching for each other’s hands… When physical and/or emotional warmth becomes infrequent or feels forced, it is a sign that the distance between you has grown and needs to be intentionally addressed.

There is one topic you cannot talk about. Every couple has difficult conversations, but when there is a topic, such as sex, finances, one partner’s drinking, a family member, a past hurt, that has become completely off-limits, emotional safety–and therefore connection–begins to erode. Avoided topics do not disappear; they grow. Couples therapy creates a container where the unspeakable can finally be spoken.

You feel more like roommates than partners. You coexist, you have a functional relationship, you manage the logistics of your shared life fairly well. That being said, something between you has dimmed, and you miss the inspiration or fire you once felt from the relationship. Maybe your friendship has deteriorated, or maybe the eroticism that used to feel exciting and energizing has waned. To some degree, some of this is expected in long-term relationships. However, couples need to be mindful of not getting too complacent and remember that work and effort are necessary to strengthen the parts of their relationship that need most attention.

One or both of you has said, “I love you, but I’m not sure I’m in love with you.” This sentence, in all its painful variations, is not uncommon for me to hear from couples seeking help for marriage problems in Denver. It does not necessarily mean the relationship is over, but it does mean something important has been lost and needs to be honestly examined.

Marriage Counseling Denver: How Couples Therapy Works During a Crisis, Affair, or Betrayal

Of course, there are also situations where couples come to therapy in the middle of an acute crisis, after an affair has been discovered, a significant betrayal of trust, a blowup that left one or both partners wondering if the relationship can survive, a traumatic event with profound impact, etc. Seeking help for marriage problems in Denver at this stage is still absolutely worth doing.

Crisis-stage couples therapy is possible and can lead to genuine healing and transformation. The research on affair recovery, for example, shows that many couples who go through the difficult work of rebuilding after infidelity report deeper honesty and intimacy in the relationship than existed before because the affair, however painful, forced a conversation that had been avoided for years. As Esther Perel, relationship and couples expert, explains in her book The State of Affairs, more connection and even eroticism can be achieved post-infidelity!

But crisis-stage therapy does require more patience and resilience, more willingness to tolerate intense discomfort, and more time. Outcomes are better when at least some degree of care and goodwill remains between the partners, which is why, wherever possible, earlier is better to start therapy.

A useful frame: Think of couples therapy the way you think of physical health. You would not wait until you were having a heart attack to start paying attention to your cardiovascular health. You would make lifestyle changes earlier, see a doctor regularly, address warning signs before they became emergencies. Relationship health works the same way. The earlier the intervention, the more options you have, and the less ground you have to recover.

My Partner Won’t Go to Couples Therapy: What to Do When One Person Refuses Counseling

One of the most common barriers to starting couples counseling in Denver is the reluctance of one partner. Maybe you have been asking for months and your partner keeps saying it is not that bad, or that they do not believe in therapy, or that they will come eventually. Meanwhile, you are carrying the weight of the relationship’s disconnection largely alone.

First: if your partner is genuinely not willing to come, individual therapy is still worth pursuing for yourself and encouraging your resistant partner to do the same. Working on your own resistance, patterns, communication, and attachment style changes the dynamic in the relationship regardless of whether your partner is in the room, and it is not uncommon for a reluctant partner to become more open once they see their partner genuinely engaging in growth.

Second: sometimes reframing the invitation helps. “Going to couples therapy” sounds to many people like “being put on trial.” Some people respond better to: “I want us to have a tune-up with someone who specializes in relationships”, or, simply, “I really miss feeling close to you, and I want help getting back there.” The request coming from longing rather than criticism tends to land differently.

Third: if your partner agrees to come once and then refuses to return, a single session can still shift something. However, it is also true that if a partner isn’t willing to attend couples therapy, it might be a sign that they are unwilling to recognize their own role in the problematic relationship dynamics, and therefore, unwilling to do the actual hard work required by couples therapy. This might be a wake up call to decide whether or not staying in the relationship without growth or greater fulfillment is actually worth it.

Preventive Couples Therapy: The Best Time to See a Relationship Therapist in Denver (Before Things Fall Apart)

Beyond the warning signs listed above, there are life transitions that make couples therapy an especially valuable investment, not because anything is wrong, but because transitions are inherently destabilizing.

Becoming parents. The transition to parenthood is one of the most significant identity and relationship shifts a couple goes through. Research shows that relationship satisfaction drops significantly in the first few years after having a baby, not because the couple falls out of love, but because the demands of new parenthood leave almost no room for the relationship itself. Pre-emptive couples work during pregnancy or the early postpartum period can make an enormous difference in reestablishing connection.

Blending families. Stepfamilies and blended families face a particular set of relational challenges for which most couples are not fully prepared. The research suggests that blended family dynamics are one of the leading reasons for second marriage difficulties. Couples counseling before or early in the blending process can help partners create a shared parenting philosophy and maintain their connection through the complexity.

Navigating major career changes or relocations. Moves, job losses, new careers, and significant income shifts all put stress on relationships in ways that can be invisible until they have already done damage. Addressing the relational impact of these changes early, in a supported environment, prevents the stress from quietly eroding connection.

Returning from deployment or extended absence. Reunification after a significant period apart is its own kind of adjustment, and it is often harder than people expect. Both partners change to some degree during separation, living separate lives. The rhythms of daily life reorganize around absence. Couples therapy during reintegration can help both people navigate the transition without losing each other in it.

Retirement. Retirement brings its own disruption to relationship dynamics when partners find themselves spending a lot more time together, with less autonomy, and sometimes, not enough of a felt sense of purpose in the new phase of life. Partners can have different needs and desires in this chapter, and challenges navigating them. Couples who address this transition intentionally and really plan for it tend to fare significantly better than those who assume it will sort itself out.

Couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship is failing. It is a sign that your relationship matters enough to tend, that you are choosing to be intentional rather than reactive about one of the most important investments of your life.

How to Find a Couples Therapist in Denver: Starting Couples Counseling at BE Therapy

If you have read this far and something has resonated, whether you are in crisis or simply feeling the quiet drift of disconnection, the first step is usually the hardest one: making the call.

At BE Therapy in Denver, I offer a free 20-minute consultation for new clients. This is not a sales conversation. It is a genuine opportunity to talk about what is bringing you in, ask questions about the process, and get a feel for whether working together makes sense. There is no pressure and no commitment required.

What I can tell you from years of work with Denver couples is this: the couples who regret starting therapy are very few, while the couples who regret waiting are many. You do not have to be in crisis to deserve support. You just have to be willing to be vulnerable and reach for something more fulfilling.

That willingness–the fact that you are reading this–looking for answers, wondering if it might be time, is already a beginning. As Esther Perel also eloquently stated, you can begin a new relationship with someone else, or you can begin a new one with your partner!

About BE Therapy

Bozhena Evans, LCSW, is a licensed professional counselor and the founder of BE Therapy, a Denver-based practice specializing in couples therapy, sex therapy, and brainspotting for anxiety. Bozhena brings warmth, clinical depth, and a deeply relational approach to every session, drawing on the latest research in attachment, neuroscience, and somatic healing to help couples and individuals build more honest, connected, and fulfilling lives. She works with clients in-person in the Denver metro area and via telehealth throughout Colorado.

Ready to Take the Next Step? Book a Free Couples Therapy Consultation in Denver

You do not have to wait for a crisis. If something in this post resonated, reach out today. BE Therapy offers a free 20-minute consultation for new clients, a no-pressure conversation to explore whether working together feels like the right fit.

The post When to Start Couples Therapy: What Denver Couples Need to Know Before a Crisis Hits appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

Romantic date ideas in Denver, a curated list by Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist in Wheat Ridge, CO

I talk a lot about the importance of keeping the romance alive in our long-term committed relationships.

This is especially relevant to those who have experienced and survived multiple chapters of ups and downs with regard to eroticism. Date nights aren’t reserved for the honeymoon period alone–they’re just as important and enlivening in later stages of a relationship as in its inception. Whether you’re a busy working couple with the added burden of raising children, or childless partners defaulting to your vocation or other non-sexy comfort zones in which to pour most of your energy, I’m here to help you work on intentionally carving out opportunities for actual romantic experiences, which will infuse your relationship with that delicious eros that it craves. (More on my couples counseling and sex therapy after my sexiest spots for dates in Denver directory below.)

As I am a Denver Metropolitan area resident and proud Coloradan, I thought it might be fun to share just a few among many of my favorite romantic local activities for those of you locals reading.

Maybe these ideas will inspire non-Coloradans to do your own exploration of your local fun/romantic spots that offer sensory stimulation and allow for romantic energy to flow. There are too many bars, restaurants, and other special places to include, but here is a list of a few great spots that really stand out in my mind:

Major Tom Restaurant (Rino)

It’s a more upscale but not stuffy restaurant with a beautiful atmosphere, artsy aesthetic, and excellent cuisine for the price point. It’s an intimate space with outdoor seating as well. This may be a bit decadent for a first date, but definitely a must for someone special. https://majortomdenver.com

ESP Bar Denver

An exquisite little bar/lounge. As written directly on the bar’s website, “ESP (Extra Sensory Perception) hints to the feeling for us when all senses, sight, smell, touch, taste and sound are in harmony. You can’t put your finger on it, but everything just feels… right.” I couldn’t say it better! If you want to grab a delicious beverage in an aesthetically and multi-sensorially stimulating space, go here with your cutie. https://esphifi.co

Harkins Arvada Movie Theater

Located on the northwestern side of town, it has a cute retro aesthetic, a little bar inside for those who like an adult beverage before/after their movie, and super comfortable plush recliner chairs to view the movie of your choice. https://www.harkins.com/theatres/arvada-14

Tatarian Denver

This is a small yet vibrant, woman-owned little cocktail lounge with exquisite cocktails that’s perfect for a date evening! I love how cozy it is, and conducive to good conversation as it’s rarely too loud. https://www.thetatarian.com

Denver Botanical Garden on York Street

Of course, I couldn’t help but include this stunner. Even though it’s typically thought of as more of a daytime place to visit, some might forget that it’s open until the evening and serves as quite the romantic setting for a stroll and chat with a loved one or even a newer crush! https://www.botanicgardens.org

Clocktower Cabaret of Denver

This unique event spot offers entertaining burlesque shows in a cute venue inside of the Downtown Denver clocktower. Grab some dinner beforehand and head over here if you and your main squeeze are comfortable viewing the somewhat ancient art of burlesque theater, with always some form of creative themes to accompany each show…this can be a more overt way to generate erotic energy. https://www.clocktowercabaret.com

About Your Curator: Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Owner & Founder of BE Therapy

Hi, I’m Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist near Denver, Colorado in Arvada, CO.

In my experience, a couple can start out hot and steamy with their attraction, chemistry, and great sex, but they might struggle with emotional intimacy free of fears, disappointments, and trust issues.

Understandably, a healthy companionship becomes more challenging in this case as the couple works to explore and heal their wounds until a more secure attachment develops. 

On the flipside, and what I see often in my office, is that many couples in long-term committed relationships report having less trouble managing their domestic responsibilities and may report being great companions but say that eroticism has been largely neglected and needs reviving. In other words, the partners get along and cohabitate quite well but have allowed all other areas of focus, and the natural course of sharing proximity with someone over time, to dampen their desire for one another. Many times, at least one of the partners craves more heat to reenter the relationship. More likely, they both want to increase romantic energy but may have different needs for accessing desire for one another.

Even the act of exploration in itself is exciting and fun. Hence the importance of this list!

Multiple couples and sex therapists speak to the difference between companionship and eroticism in a committed relationship. In fact, we know from couples and sex therapy gurus like Esther Perel that exploration and excitement are opposite forces from safety and stability, which as mentioned earlier, many couples may possess while nonetheless struggling with eroticism. Again, setting an intention to have more romantic, fun and exploratory date nights is one important avenue through which eroticism can be increased and enhanced, also allowing the couple a bit of an escape from the more mundane or serious tasks of daily life.

To explain how folks differ in their ability to access desire is beyond the scope of this post and will be discussed in another; however, it’s fair to say more generally that remembering to keep romance alive is something many of us in long-term committed relationships can strive to improve. We forget that we mustn’t take our relationships for granted, even as we feel cozy and settled into them. Usually, at least one partner craves more excitement or lust in the relationship, so if we remember to actively work at keeping the eros alive, which involves supplementing the more grounding energies of a relationship with more playfulness, fun, and excitement, we end up feeling more connected and joyful as partners. 

Could your relationship use some sparks? Save this list and see which one suits you best. Need more than sparks? Perhaps some couples therapy?

The post A (Local’s) Quest for the Perfect Romantic Spots Near Denver, Colorado appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

The divorce statistics are all too familiar to us, as we all know, they’ve stayed high for decades–lingering around 40-50%, and sex outside of the marriage without the consent of the marriage partner at approximately 20% (though it may be higher as secrecy around the issue prevents disclosure in many cases). And these numbers do not include other forms of extra-relational connection which are harder to measure.  

Is the traditional model of marriage working for couples? The answer predictably is, sometimes. And what does it mean when it is “working”? 

As an individual and couples therapist I can discuss a slew of existential phenomena and mental health issues that impact my clients, but I’d like to focus here on the omnipresent marital woes that show up particularly around the midlife period or for parents, around the time that the heavy task of raising children is underway. I have observed both professionally and personally that it is around this time that couples are frequently faced with the often stark realization that a disconnection between partners has occurred, relating to emotional, recreational, existential, romantic or sexual needs. It leads us back to the question of just how well is marriage working for today’s couples?  

Many of the individuals and couples I see come to me at pivotal points in their long-term committed relationships. The common concerns for these clients seem to be around feeling less connected with their partners, in many of the ways described above. Most of these folks are ready to make changes and commit to improving their relationships even while others drift farther away from their partners and ultimately separate. What I have discovered is that in those relationships where the couple seems to be generally content and connected, there are several factors that are present. 

As highly acclaimed couples and marriage therapist John Gottman, PhD, discovered in his research and noted in his book The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work, those couples who did not show chronic signs of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling were the most emotionally connected and amicable, and their marriages had the highest survival rates.

He also discovered that “turning toward” one’s partner at times when the partner makes a “bid for connection,” as well as frequent expressions of “fondness and admiration” or appreciation led to higher feelings of love and connectedness between partners. I see the same in my work with couples: those who offer more loving gestures and words to one another and generally move through conflict more smoothly tend to be in better relational shape, as it were.

Furthermore, for clients who come to me motivated to improve their respective relationships, some express curiosity about opening the relationship up to include other intimate connections, and some couples contact me for support for their existing polyamorous relationships, often referred to as consensual/ethical non-monogamy (CNM/ENM).

Not only the boomer generation will widen its eyes or snicker at this growing–and often somewhat taboo–relationship trend, since it has its roots in the “free love” hippie movement in the 60s and 70s. Plenty of otherwise more self-proclaimed evolved folks today might show skepticism about this structure as well. But whatever personal feelings one might have about polyamorous arrangements, I encourage educating ourselves as we would when looking at any other minority demographics. “Polyamory” is an umbrella term for many different types of non-exclusive relationships with others, from low to high sexual exclusivity (yep, some folks don’t even care that much about the sex; they just like having multiple intimate connections).

There is plenty to say about polyamory and CNM structures that will be left to another more in-depth post, and of course it is not for everyone. However, I present this relationship framework specifically because it is evidence that traditional monogamous relationship/marriage structures aren’t working for everyone, and CNM offers some couples an opportunity for a more invigorating and fulfilling chapter of their lives if they navigate it conscientiously and with attuned self-awareness of insecurities, fears, and needs. These folks express wishing to have greater need fulfillment, more personal growth, and greater sexual and self expression in their lives, which poly structures may afford them. I particularly enjoy seeing evolution in relationship structures since I often wonder, why should we be limited to a binary decision between couplehood and divorce? Perhaps marriage working means including these additional open-minded thoughts and potential behaviors.

I have seen clients with irreparable volatility and wounding that has destabilized some marriages; some clients may eventually divorce, others might fizzle out of therapy, but couples who really commit fully to doing the hard work that is required of keeping long-term committed relationships healthy and joyful have higher chances of thriving.

When clients commit to learning how to identify triggers and tender points, take accountability for hurt feelings, experiment with new communication patterns, and persevere to speak each other’s love languages in order to keep their so-called love tanks nice and full, they tend to enjoy greater longevity. Having an openness of mind and security in oneself and each other is another protective factor for couples who might want more excitement in their marriage, i.e. in sexual growth. Those who can manage any of these feats or relate to the supportive traits mentioned here deserve recognition for making their marriages function. If you are one of these couples who has put in this work, you should feel fulfillment and pride in your accomplishment!

About Bozhena Evans | BE Therapy Couples Counseling & Sex Therapy in Wheat Ridge, CO

Bozhena Evans, the compassionate owner of BE Therapy in Wheat Ridge, Colorado, is a dedicated couples counselor with a passion for helping individuals and relationships thrive.

With a warm and non-judgmental approach, Bozhena creates a safe and supportive space for couples to explore their challenges and work towards healing and growth. Her extensive training and experience in various therapeutic modalities allow her to tailor her approach to each unique couple, fostering effective communication, conflict resolution, and deepening connection.

Bozhena believes that every couple has the potential to overcome obstacles and create a loving, harmonious partnership. Through her guidance, couples gain valuable insights, develop effective coping strategies, and learn to navigate the complexities of their relationship with empathy and understanding. Bozhena’s genuine care for her clients shines through in every session, as she actively listens, validates their experiences, and provides the tools and support needed for lasting change. Whether couples are questioning their marriage working, are facing communication issues, trust issues, or struggling with intimacy, Bozhena’s expertise and compassionate approach make her a trusted ally on their journey towards a healthier and happier relationship (whether with their partner, or themselves.)

Want to Make an Appointment for Counseling? Click the link below:

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Attachment styles are the different ways individuals develop and navigate interpersonal relationships and emotional bonds to others, primarily romantic partners, based on each individual’s early childhood experiences with their caregivers. As a means of survival to better fit into their family system, children begin to adapt to their caregiver’s way of attuning to or meeting/not meeting their biological, physical, and emotional needs. However in adulthood, these adaptations can become maladaptive in how they show up when attempting to get needs met within the romantic relationship. Other life experiences and traumas also have an impact on attachment styles and how individuals show up in their romantic relationships. 

The most commonly discussed attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. 

Secure attachment is a style of relating to people that involves feeling secure in one’s connection with them, including when physically apart, and being comfortable expressing one’s thoughts and feelings. 

Anxious attachment is characterized by feeling insecure and worried about one’s relationships and often leads to more “clingy” behavior or feeling like one’s needs are unable to be met. 

Avoidant attachment is characterized by a discomfort with emotional expression and a more emotionally distant personality, including difficulty opening up to others and forming more intimate relationships.

Disorganized attachment results when children experience trauma or lack of physical and emotional safety, so as they grow they struggle both with giving and receiving love as a result of trust issues. This can look like a combo of both extremely avoidant and extremely anxious styles and an overall unstable relational experience with loved ones.

Why do some of us have disordered or “dysfunctional” attachment styles?

People may have disordered attachment styles due to many different reasons such as difficult early experiences with caregivers or trauma, instability in the home, mental health issues in the family, and other forms of interpersonal stress. 

Disordered attachment can occur when a person’s primary caregivers are unable to consistently provide supportive and nurturing care, when emotional attunement is unavailable or dismissed by the caregiver(s) as being important for the child, or when they experience trauma, neglect, or abuse. 

What are the most compatible attachment styles?

The most compatible attachment styles tend to be securely attached individuals, who feel safe and secure in their relationships, as well as individuals with an avoidant attachment style, who seek independence and autonomy in their relationships. 

This being said, oftentimes, opposites attract and anxiously attached individuals attract more avoidant individuals and vice versa. Anxiously attached individuals tend to be more charismatic and outwardly expressive while avoidantly attached individuals tend to be more grounded and concrete thinkers, as well as slower processors. It is possible for these two styles to coexist in a healthy and balanced relationship, with each person respecting and understanding the other’s needs for autonomy and connection.

How can you form a secure attachment style?

Forming a secure attachment style starts with opening yourself up to connection with the people around you and building a secure base through open communication, mutual trust, and support. This of course takes practice and a commitment to working on creating an environment of safe acceptance and understanding with loved ones. 

Specifically, be available, provide comfort, and demonstrate a consistent nurturing style. Understanding your partner’s style can help you better attune to him/her and vice versa, thereby helping you to both move toward secure attachment.

Establishing clear boundaries and limits is also important for forming secure attachment. Through this, you can communicate your needs and expectations while also being accommodating and open to compromise. 

Couples and individual counseling/therapy can really help teach individuals about their own attachment style as well as that of their partner and the origins of these due to childhood history and life experiences. Counseling can also help manage emotional triggers that may result during conflict between partners and help each individual better emotionally regulate him/herself, thus fostering more conscious connection, trust, and more secure attachment.

About Bozhena Evans | BE Therapy

Hi, I’m Bozhena Evans, LCSW and couples counselor/sex therapist based in Colorado who works with individuals and couples to gain insight into how to be happier and more fulfilled together.

There are many ways to reconnect with your partner, and learning about attachment styles and how to compliment each other’s – can go a long way.

If you’ve been yearning for a better relationship with your partner, please do not hesitate to reach out for a complimentary initial consultation by phone to see if we are indeed a good fit for individual or couples relationship counseling. I look forward to hearing from you!

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