You are not fighting about the dishes. You probably know that by now, even if it is hard to say out loud. The fight about the dishes, or the silence, or the way your partner pulls away exactly when you need them most, is about something much older than this relationship. It is about what you learned, often long before you ever met your partner, about whether people could be trusted to show up for you.

Attachment style is one of the most powerful and least visible forces operating in any intimate relationship. It shapes how you seek closeness, how you respond to conflict, how much distance you can tolerate before anxiety sets in, and how you interpret the thousand small signals your partner sends every day. Most people have never heard of attachment theory, or have heard of it only in passing, yet it is running in the background of nearly every significant exchange they have with the person they love.

If you feel caught in an anxious-avoidant relationship, where one of you reaches and the other retreats, this post is an invitation to understand what is actually happening beneath the surface, and what becomes possible once you do.

A Quick Refresher on Anxious and Avoidant Attachment

Attachment styles are the templates for closeness we form early in life, based on how reliably our caregivers responded to us. I cover all four styles, and where they come from, in What Are Attachment Styles? Here are the two that matter most for this post.

People with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness and fear abandonment. They are highly attuned to any hint of withdrawal, pursue contact when the relationship feels threatened, and have a difficult time self-soothing, so they rely on their partner to help them feel emotionally better.

People with an avoidant attachment style learned early that emotional needs were best managed alone. They value autonomy, can feel overwhelmed or even smothered by a partner’s emotional needs, and tend to withdraw and need alone time under stress. They may care deeply about their partner while struggling to express that care in moments of intimacy or conflict. Self-soothing comes more easily to them. What is harder is “inter-regulating,” or emotionally communicating with their partner in order to feel more calm together.

These strategies are not pathologies. They are intelligent responses to the conditions in which a child found themselves. The problem is that they tend to persist long past the context that created them.

The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship: One of the Most Common Couple Patterns

Of all the attachment combinations that appear in couples therapy, the anxious-avoidant pairing is one of the ones I see most often (opposites attract, as it were!). It is sometimes called the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, and if you have ever felt like you are chasing a partner who keeps stepping back, or like you are being crowded by a partner whose needs you can rarely satisfy, you may recognize it immediately.

The dynamic works like this: The anxiously attached partner, feeling disconnection or threat, moves toward their partner, seeking reassurance, contact, or resolution. The avoidantly attached partner, feeling overwhelmed or crowded by the intensity of that approach, steps back, goes quiet, or focuses on something outside the relationship. This withdrawal triggers the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment or rejection, intensifying their pursuit. The intensified pursuit triggers the avoidant partner’s need for space, deepening the withdrawal, which further triggers the anxious partner’s frustration about unmet emotional needs. The cycle accelerates.

Neither person is wrong. Neither person is the villain. Each is responding, from their particular attachment history, to something that feels genuinely threatening. The anxious partner is not being dramatic; the threat of abandonment can feel very real to their nervous system. The avoidant partner is not being cold; the sense of overwhelm and the need to regulate through distance is real to their nervous system. Two people, each doing what their early experiences have taught them to do, together create a pattern that is very frustrating for both partners.

The anxious-avoidant dynamic is not a sign of incompatibility. It is a sign that two people with different nervous system histories have not yet found a shared language for what each of them needs. That language is learnable if partners are able to access empathy and take an overview perspective on their attachment dynamic.

The particularly painful irony of this pattern is that both the anxious and the avoidant partner often share the same underlying fear: the fear of being ultimately unlovable, unseen, or abandoned. They simply respond to that fear in opposite directions. One partner moves toward, while one moves away. The pursuit-withdrawal cycle is, at its root, two people expressing a similar wound in opposite registers.

How Attachment Style Creates Relationship Problems: Beyond the Obvious

Attachment style relationship problems are not limited to the obvious pursuit-withdrawal dynamic. Attachment patterns shape relationships in subtler ways that are worth naming.

• Conflict repair. Securely attached people tend to repair relatively quickly after disagreements, returning to warmth without needing an extended period of distance or extensive processing. Anxiously attached people often cannot settle until they feel the rupture is fully resolved and the relationship is stable again. Avoidantly attached people typically need a period of space before they can re-engage, which can be experienced by their partner as continued stonewalling even when it is actually de-escalation and self-regulation of their nervous system. These different repair rhythms create significant misattunement in couples where they are not understood.
• The interpretation of neutral events. Attachment style powerfully shapes how we interpret ambiguous signals from our partner. An anxiously attached person who receives a short, flat text response from their partner when they expected warmth may spend hours wondering what they did wrong. An avoidantly attached person who is asked a direct question about their feelings may experience the question as pressure or criticism rather than curiosity. Sometimes even seemingly ordinary events can lead to conflict because of a gap in the meaning each partner assigns to them.
• Intimacy and vulnerability. Secure attachment allows for genuine vulnerability, the capacity to share what is actually happening inside without excessive fear of how it will be received, while also not feeling the need to frequently express unmet needs. Anxious attachment can produce a flood of vulnerability, sharing everything in an attempt to secure reassurance, without the ability to sift through and self-soothe some feelings that do not need to be addressed. Picking your battles, so to speak. Avoidant attachment tends to produce a restriction of vulnerability, protecting the inner world as a way of managing the risk of exposure and the feeling of not being “good enough.” Both patterns, in their extreme forms, lead to disruptions in intimacy and connection.
• Parenting together. Attachment styles do not stay in the marital relationship. They show up in how each parent responds to their children’s emotional needs, how the couple navigates disagreements about parenting, and in the attachment patterns their children develop. Working on attachment in couples therapy has generational implications that extend well beyond the couple themselves.

Couples Therapy and Attachment: How the Work Actually Changes Things

The most important thing to know about attachment styles is that they are not fixed. Research on what is called earned security suggests that people can develop more secure attachment patterns in adulthood, through consistently attuned relationships, through individual therapy, and through couples work that creates new relational experiences rather than simply talking about old ones.

Couples therapy that is grounded in attachment theory, particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy, works directly with these patterns. Rather than focusing primarily on communication skills or conflict management techniques, attachment-based couples therapy goes deeper, identifying the underlying emotional needs and fears that drive the surface behavior, helping each partner see their own pattern and their partner’s pattern with more compassion and less reactivity, and creating moments of genuine emotional responsiveness between partners that begin to update the templates each person carries. Because so much of this lives in the nervous system, I sometimes bring in Brainspotting to help heal the attachment wounds underneath.

In my work with Denver couples at BE Therapy, what I observe repeatedly is how profoundly the anxious-avoidant dynamic shifts when both partners begin to understand what is actually happening beneath their reactive behaviors. The moment an avoidant partner can express that they pull away not because they do not care, but because closeness has often felt unsafe, and their anxious partner can hear that as information rather than rejection, something fundamental changes. The pursuer often softens, and the withdrawer does not need to flee as far. The cycle slows, and with more empathy for each other’s experience, emotional connection is strengthened.

A note on change and realistic expectations: Changing attachment patterns is meaningful work, and it takes time. These are not habits formed last year; they are templates established in the first years of life and reinforced across decades of experience. Couples therapy can catalyze real and lasting change in how partners relate, but the change tends to be gradual and non-linear. There will be setbacks, and moments where triggers still happen and the pattern reasserts itself, like rubbing up against a healing wound and agitating it. This is not failure; it is the normal rhythm of deep change. The couples who make the most progress are those who bring patience alongside their commitment.

What to Do About an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship: Practical Starting Points

Understanding your attachment style is valuable. Knowing what to do with that understanding is what actually changes things. Here are some practical starting points for couples who want to begin working with attachment dynamics in their relationship.

• Name the pattern, not the person. Instead of saying “you always withdraw,” try, “I think we are doing that thing again where I come toward you and you need space.” Naming the pattern as a shared dynamic rather than a character flaw in one person reduces defensiveness and creates a sense of partnership in addressing it together. Focus more on the process than the content.
• Learn your own triggers. Attachment responses are triggered by specific cues: a particular tone of voice, a period of silence, a canceled plan, a partner absorbed in their phone. Getting to know your own triggers is the first step toward responding to them more consciously, rather than reacting from the full force of the nervous system’s alarm.
• Make bids for connection more explicit. The Gottman Institute’s research identifies what they call bids for connection as the fundamental currency of close relationships. A bid is any attempt, however small, to connect with your partner. Many attachment-related conflicts arise not because bids are rejected, but because they are not recognized as bids at all. Making your bids explicit and learning to recognize your partner’s bids tends to change the emotional temperature considerably. I share more on what keeps couples connected in Trouble Communicating With Your Partner?
• Repair quickly and specifically. After conflict, a short, genuine acknowledgment goes further than a lengthy processing conversation. “I know I went quiet and that probably scared you. I needed a few minutes, but I want you to know I am not going anywhere” is a nicely worded repair because it is specific, and it addresses the partner’s likely fear. It does not shame or blame one’s partner, or draw a conclusion that anyone was necessarily wrong or right.
• Consider attachment-informed couples therapy. One of the most effective ways to change attachment dynamics in a relationship is a therapeutic process specifically designed to address them. If the patterns described in this post resonate with what is happening in your relationship, working with a couples therapist who has training in attachment and EFT can provide what no amount of reading can fully replace: the experience of new relational possibility, inside a therapeutic relationship that models the safety you are trying to build together.

Attachment patterns are not destiny. They are the starting point of a story, not the end of it. With the right support, people change the way they love, all the time.

The Invitation: From Pattern to Possibility

If you have read this far and recognized yourself, your partner, or your relationship in these pages, that recognition is already significant. Most people spend years, sometimes decades, in painful relational patterns without ever understanding the mechanism behind them. Naming what is happening is the beginning of being able to choose something different.

Attachment style relationship problems tend to respond well to couples therapy, precisely because the dynamics are consistent and well understood. The anxious-avoidant relationship in Denver looks much the same as the anxious-avoidant relationship anywhere else, because these patterns are rooted in our early experiences rather than our circumstances. They respond to the same kinds of support: attunement, safety, new experience, and the slow accumulation of evidence that this relationship is different from the ones that originally shaped the pattern. And if the worry underneath all of this is whether your partner is right for you, my post on relationship anxiety may help.

You do not have to keep running the old program. If you are ready to understand what is actually driving your relationship dynamics and begin building something more secure, I would be glad to be part of that process.

About BE Therapy

Bozhena Evans, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of BE Therapy, a practice in Wheat Ridge, Colorado, serving the Denver metro area and specializing in couples therapy, sex therapy, and Brainspotting for anxiety, trauma, and nervous system regulation. Bozhena brings warmth, clinical depth, and a deeply relational approach to every session, drawing on the latest research in attachment, neuroscience, and somatic healing to help couples and individuals build more honest, connected, and fulfilling lives. She works with clients in person in the Denver metro area and via telehealth throughout Colorado.

Ready to Understand Your Attachment Pattern, and Change It?

BE Therapy offers a free 20-minute consultation for new clients, a genuine, no-pressure conversation about what you are experiencing and whether working together feels like the right fit. Whether you are coming as an individual or as a couple, the first step is simply reaching out.

The post The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship: How Attachment Style Is Quietly Running Your Relationship, and What to Do About It appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

It is one of the most honest questions a couple can ask, and one of the most frightening ones to say out loud: is what we are doing in therapy actually working, or are we simply delaying a conclusion that has already been written? If you have found yourself wondering whether couples therapy can save a marriage, you are not alone. It is the question that sits quietly behind many first appointments, and sometimes not so quietly. One partner may believe deeply that the relationship is worth saving, while the other may be showing up out of obligation, or out of love mixed with exhaustion, not yet sure what they believe. Both are valid places to begin.

The honest answer to this question is more nuanced than a simple yes or no. Couples therapy can save a relationship or marriage; it does not always. What it almost always does, when partners are able to genuinely engage, is provide a clearer picture of where partners diverge, what they want or need from one another, and which of these are possible to achieve. Regardless of what couples decide to do in the end, couples therapy offers communication and empathy tools that help partners feel more heard and understood. Committing to understanding each other better and improving communication is, at minimum, better than the alternative of staying stuck indefinitely.

Can Couples Therapy Save a Marriage? What the Research Actually Shows

When people ask whether couples therapy can save a marriage, the research offers genuine reason for hope, particularly when treatment begins before the relationship has deteriorated considerably.

Emotionally Focused Therapy is one of the most rigorously studied approaches to couples treatment. An often-cited review of the EFT research found that 70 to 73 percent of couples moved from distress to recovery, and roughly 90 percent showed significant improvement. The Gottman Method is another well-researched approach with decades of study behind it. That research does not include nervous system tools such as Brainspotting, which I often weave into couples work to support deeper emotional processing and nervous system regulation.

These are not small numbers. For the majority of couples who commit to the work, something meaningfully better is within reach. The research does not promise that every relationship can be saved, but it does suggest that most troubled relationships contain more potential for repair than either partner may believe when they first walk through the door.

Timing matters considerably, too. Couples who seek help during the earlier stages of disconnection tend to do better than those who wait until resentment has calcified into contempt. I wrote more about that in When to Start Couples Therapy.

What Couples Therapy Can and Cannot Do

Part of what makes this question so complicated is that people bring very different expectations to marriage counseling. Some arrive hoping the therapist will fix their partner. Some arrive hoping to be told whether to stay or leave, or hoping for a guarantee that I can fix their relationship. Some arrive genuinely uncertain what they want, carrying a complicated mixture of love, resentment, grief, and hope that they have not yet been able to sort through on their own.

A skilled couples therapist cannot make two people want the same things. A therapist cannot manufacture chemistry that has waned, force accountability from a partner who has none to give, or guarantee that a relationship will survive. What a couples therapist can do is create conditions that are very difficult to create on your own: emotional safety for both people to speak honestly, a slowing-down of the reactive patterns that keep couples stuck, and a structured process for excavating what is actually happening beneath the surface of the conflict.

Couples therapy gives both people the opportunity to feel truly heard, which they may not have felt in a long time. That experience alone is significant. When people feel genuinely understood and attuned to rather than managed or attacked, defensiveness softens. Curiosity becomes possible. The relationship starts to be something you examine together rather than something you fight over.

Here is a realistic picture of what committed couples therapy can accomplish:

• Interrupting destructive patterns. Most couples in distress are not fighting about what they think they are fighting about. The conflict about dishes or parenting or money is usually a delivery mechanism for something deeper: the fear of not being valued, the longing to be truly known, the wound of feeling unseen. Couples therapy identifies the underlying pattern, what therapists sometimes call the negative cycle, and begins to interrupt it.
• Rebuilding emotional safety. When a relationship has become a place where honesty feels dangerous, people stop being honest. Therapy creates a container where both partners can speak more authentically, which is the necessary precondition for any real change.
• Developing the skills that sustain connection. Many couples have never learned how to repair effectively after conflict, how to express a need without it sounding like blame or an accusation, or how to stay present with a partner’s pain without becoming defensive. These are learnable skills, and therapy teaches them.
• Clarifying what each person actually wants. Sometimes the most valuable thing couples therapy does is help both people get honest about what they want and need, whether that is a renewed commitment, a different kind of relationship, or something they have not yet been able to name.

When the Marriage Feels Too Far Gone

One of the most common things I hear from couples seeking help for a troubled marriage is some version of: we have tried everything, we have had the same fight a hundred times, and nothing changes. By the time they arrive, one or both partners may have privately concluded that the relationship is beyond repair.

This conclusion is understandable. It is also, more often than not, premature.

Repeated conflict without resolution is not evidence that the relationship is unfixable; it is evidence that the couple has been using tools that do not work and getting pulled into a well-reinforced negative cycle of conflict. The fact that nothing has changed yet does not mean nothing can change. It often means the right kind of support has not yet been introduced.

That said, there are situations where the prognosis for a marriage is genuinely poor, and honesty requires naming the reality. Relationships where one partner is entirely unwilling to examine their own patterns, where there is ongoing deception or hidden behavior, or where one person has already emotionally and permanently disengaged are more challenging to repair. Not impossible, but unlikely.

There is also contempt, which John Gottman’s research identifies as the strongest predictor of relationship failure among the communication patterns he studied. Contempt is not anger. It can be the loss of respect and appreciation or, even more concerning, a feeling that your partner is fundamentally beneath you, worthy of ridicule or disgust rather than care. When contempt has become the dominant emotional posture of one or both partners, the work of therapy is harder and requires genuine willingness to reconnect with what was once valued in the relationship.

A note on commitment: Couples therapy is not a passive process. Outcomes tend to be better when both partners show up with genuine willingness to look at their own patterns, practice new behaviors between sessions, and stay in the discomfort long enough for something to shift. One person carrying most of the motivation while the other watches tends not to produce lasting change. If you are the more motivated partner, individual therapy alongside couples therapy can be a powerful complement.

Is Couples Therapy Just Delaying the Inevitable?

Sometimes people worry that therapy is simply postponing an ending that is already written, that they are spending time and money on a process that will ultimately confirm what they already know. This is a legitimate concern, and it deserves a direct response.

Marriage counseling, done well, does not delay the inevitable. It illuminates needs and problematic patterns and brings new insights, while also improving communication, all of which fosters growth and understanding whatever the outcome. If a relationship is genuinely not workable, a good therapeutic process will make that clearer, not murkier. Both people will have a fuller understanding of what has happened, what has been tried, and why the particular combination of who they are together is not producing what either of them needs. That kind of clarity is not a failure of therapy; it is therapy doing exactly what it is supposed to do.

There is a meaningful difference between a relationship ending because two people gave up too soon without adequate support, and a relationship ending because two people did the honest work of understanding themselves and each other and reached a clear decision. The second kind of ending, while painful, tends to carry less ongoing grief, less bitterness, and more dignity for everyone involved, including any children. It also leaves room for holding both the joy of the relationship and its ending at once, without too many regrets. If you are wrestling with whether to stay or go, my post on relationship anxiety may also be helpful.

In my experience working with Denver couples, the relationships that end after genuine therapeutic engagement tend to end more consciously and more kindly than those that end after years of quiet withdrawal and accumulated resentment. The people who come through that process, whether they stay together or not, tend to have a better understanding of themselves and a greater capacity for honest connection in whatever comes next.

Therapy does not guarantee that a marriage will survive. What it does tend to offer is that both people come out of the process with more clarity, more skill, and a better understanding of themselves and their values.

What Makes the Difference: The Factors That Predict Better Outcomes

Several factors tend to distinguish couples who make meaningful progress from those who do not. Understanding these can help you assess where you are and what might strengthen your own experience of the process.

• Motivation in both partners. Outcomes are better when both people come to therapy with some genuine desire to improve the relationship, even if that desire is mixed with doubt, fear, or grief. Ambivalence in one partner is workable. Complete emotional absence is much harder to move through.
• Willingness to look inward. The couples who make the most progress in therapy are those who can, at least some of the time, ask what role their own patterns play in the dynamic rather than focusing exclusively on what their partner is doing wrong. This does not mean taking undue blame; it means staying curious about your own part.
• Consistency and follow-through. Therapy is not something that happens only in the session. The couples who benefit most practice what they learn between sessions, attempt new behaviors even when they feel awkward, and return the following week to process what happened. Growth requires repetition.
• A strong therapeutic relationship. Research across many forms of therapy identifies the relationship between client and therapist as one of the strongest predictors of outcome. If you do not feel genuinely safe and understood with your therapist, say so, or consider finding someone else. The fit matters, and it helps when clients feel comfortable enough with the therapist to express disagreement as well.
• Realistic expectations about pace. Patterns that have been established over years do not dissolve in a few sessions. Couples who understand that the work is gradual, and who commit to staying in the process long enough for real change to take root, tend to see much better outcomes than those who expect dramatic transformation quickly.

What to Do If You Are Not Sure Whether to Try

Perhaps you are reading this from a place of real uncertainty. You are not sure the relationship is savable. You are not sure it is worth trying. You might be exhausted enough that even the idea of more conversations about the same things feels impossible.

Here is what I want you to know from years of working with Denver couples in exactly this position: uncertainty is not a reason to delay. It is often a reason to begin. Therapy is one of the few contexts where uncertainty can be explored honestly, without pressure to have already decided what you want.

You do not need to arrive knowing whether you want to stay in the marriage. You do not need to have hope in order to show up. You simply need a degree of willingness to tell the truth about your experience and to stay in the room long enough to hear your partner’s.

That is enough to begin. What happens from there tends to become clearer than either person expected.

About BE Therapy

Bozhena Evans, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of BE Therapy, a practice in Wheat Ridge, Colorado, serving the Denver metro area and specializing in couples therapy, sex therapy, and Brainspotting for anxiety, deeper emotional distress, and trauma. Bozhena brings warmth, clinical depth, and a deeply relational approach to every session, drawing on the latest research in attachment, neuroscience, and somatic healing to help couples and individuals build more honest, connected, and fulfilling lives. She works with clients in person in the Denver metro area and via telehealth throughout Colorado.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Whether you are feeling hopeful, uncertain, or somewhere in between, you do not have to navigate this alone. BE Therapy offers a free 20-minute consultation for new clients, a genuine conversation to explore what you are experiencing and whether working together makes sense. Reaching out is not a commitment. It is simply the beginning of a clearer picture.

The post Can Couples Therapy Save a Marriage, or Is It Just Delaying the Inevitable? appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

There is a story many couples tell themselves, usually for years before they ever call a therapist: “We are not bad enough yet.” Therapy, in this story, is for couples who are really in trouble, couples on the verge of divorce, couples who have survived infidelity, couples who can barely be in the same room without it turning into a fight. “We are not like that,” the story goes. “We just have some things to work on.”

This narrative doesn’t come without a cost. Relationships can deteriorate with more time spent doing little or nothing to improve emotional and/or physical connection and going on as status quo.

Knowing when to start couples therapy is one of the most important and least discussed questions in relationship health. The answer, for most couples, is earlier than they think.

If you are searching for “couples counseling Denver” or “help for marriage problems in Denver,” this post is for you, wherever you are on the spectrum of relationship distress.

Is Couples Therapy a Last Resort? Why Most Couples Wait Too Long to Get Help

Couples counseling in Denver and beyond has an image problem. It is still widely perceived as something you do when you are out of options, a Hail Mary pass before someone files for divorce. This perception keeps couples out of therapy when they could benefit most: early, when patterns are still flexible, when both people still feel genuine care for each other, when the wounds are not yet deep enough to have left scar tissue.

Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that the average couple waits six years from the onset of relationship problems before seeking help–six years. That is six years of resentment accumulating, six years of emotional withdrawal deepening, six years of the connection that originally brought two people together quietly eroding.

The most effective couples therapy is preventive couples therapy, working on the relationship not when it is in crisis, but when it is simply not as connected, honest, or smooth as you know it could be.

You do not need to be falling apart to deserve support. The couples who get the most out of therapy are often the ones who come before they are desperate, when they still have enough goodwill and connection left to do the work.

Signs You Need Couples Counseling: How to Know When Your Relationship Needs Professional Support

So when is the right time? Here are some of the most important signals that couples counseling in Denver would be a valuable next step, not because things are dire, but because the relationship is asking for attention.

You are having the same fight over and over again. The content changes–money, sex, parenting, household responsibilities–but the feeling is often the same. Someone feels unheard; someone feels attacked. The fight ends without resolution, usually in fight or flight or withdrawal. And then, a few weeks–or even days–later, it happens again. Repeated conflict that never truly resolves is one of the clearest signals that something structural needs to shift, and that is exactly what couples therapy examines and addresses.

You have stopped trying to resolve things at all. Paradoxically, the absence of conflict can be just as concerning as its presence. When couples stop fighting, it is sometimes because they have found genuine peace. More often, it is because one or both partners have emotionally disengaged, given up on the idea that their needs can be heard and met. This emotional withdrawal or shutdown response is a protective survival response from pain, however it has unfavorable emotional and even physical side effects, and of course it does nothing to actually repair emotional connection between partners during conflict–quite the opposite, as more distance ensues.

Physical or emotional intimacy has significantly decreased. This includes sexual intimacy, but it also includes the smaller forms of closeness that sustain a relationship: touching, laughing together, confiding in each other, giving one another compliments or words of appreciation, reaching for each other’s hands… When physical and/or emotional warmth becomes infrequent or feels forced, it is a sign that the distance between you has grown and needs to be intentionally addressed.

There is one topic you cannot talk about. Every couple has difficult conversations, but when there is a topic, such as sex, finances, one partner’s drinking, a family member, a past hurt, that has become completely off-limits, emotional safety–and therefore connection–begins to erode. Avoided topics do not disappear; they grow. Couples therapy creates a container where the unspeakable can finally be spoken.

You feel more like roommates than partners. You coexist, you have a functional relationship, you manage the logistics of your shared life fairly well. That being said, something between you has dimmed, and you miss the inspiration or fire you once felt from the relationship. Maybe your friendship has deteriorated, or maybe the eroticism that used to feel exciting and energizing has waned. To some degree, some of this is expected in long-term relationships. However, couples need to be mindful of not getting too complacent and remember that work and effort are necessary to strengthen the parts of their relationship that need most attention.

One or both of you has said, “I love you, but I’m not sure I’m in love with you.” This sentence, in all its painful variations, is not uncommon for me to hear from couples seeking help for marriage problems in Denver. It does not necessarily mean the relationship is over, but it does mean something important has been lost and needs to be honestly examined.

Marriage Counseling Denver: How Couples Therapy Works During a Crisis, Affair, or Betrayal

Of course, there are also situations where couples come to therapy in the middle of an acute crisis, after an affair has been discovered, a significant betrayal of trust, a blowup that left one or both partners wondering if the relationship can survive, a traumatic event with profound impact, etc. Seeking help for marriage problems in Denver at this stage is still absolutely worth doing.

If you are wondering whether it is already too late, I wrote about that in Can Couples Therapy Save a Marriage, or Is It Just Delaying the Inevitable?

Crisis-stage couples therapy is possible and can lead to genuine healing and transformation. The research on affair recovery, for example, shows that many couples who go through the difficult work of rebuilding after infidelity report deeper honesty and intimacy in the relationship than existed before because the affair, however painful, forced a conversation that had been avoided for years. As Esther Perel, relationship and couples expert, explains in her book The State of Affairs, more connection and even eroticism can be achieved post-infidelity!

But crisis-stage therapy does require more patience and resilience, more willingness to tolerate intense discomfort, and more time. Outcomes are better when at least some degree of care and goodwill remains between the partners, which is why, wherever possible, earlier is better to start therapy.

A useful frame: Think of couples therapy the way you think of physical health. You would not wait until you were having a heart attack to start paying attention to your cardiovascular health. You would make lifestyle changes earlier, see a doctor regularly, address warning signs before they became emergencies. Relationship health works the same way. The earlier the intervention, the more options you have, and the less ground you have to recover.

My Partner Won’t Go to Couples Therapy: What to Do When One Person Refuses Counseling

One of the most common barriers to starting couples counseling in Denver is the reluctance of one partner. Maybe you have been asking for months and your partner keeps saying it is not that bad, or that they do not believe in therapy, or that they will come eventually. Meanwhile, you are carrying the weight of the relationship’s disconnection largely alone.

First: if your partner is genuinely not willing to come, individual therapy is still worth pursuing for yourself and encouraging your resistant partner to do the same. Working on your own resistance, patterns, communication, and attachment style changes the dynamic in the relationship regardless of whether your partner is in the room, and it is not uncommon for a reluctant partner to become more open once they see their partner genuinely engaging in growth.

Second: sometimes reframing the invitation helps. “Going to couples therapy” sounds to many people like “being put on trial.” Some people respond better to: “I want us to have a tune-up with someone who specializes in relationships”, or, simply, “I really miss feeling close to you, and I want help getting back there.” The request coming from longing rather than criticism tends to land differently.

Third: if your partner agrees to come once and then refuses to return, a single session can still shift something. However, it is also true that if a partner isn’t willing to attend couples therapy, it might be a sign that they are unwilling to recognize their own role in the problematic relationship dynamics, and therefore, unwilling to do the actual hard work required by couples therapy. This might be a wake up call to decide whether or not staying in the relationship without growth or greater fulfillment is actually worth it.

Preventive Couples Therapy: The Best Time to See a Relationship Therapist in Denver (Before Things Fall Apart)

Beyond the warning signs listed above, there are life transitions that make couples therapy an especially valuable investment, not because anything is wrong, but because transitions are inherently destabilizing.

Becoming parents. The transition to parenthood is one of the most significant identity and relationship shifts a couple goes through. Research shows that relationship satisfaction drops significantly in the first few years after having a baby, not because the couple falls out of love, but because the demands of new parenthood leave almost no room for the relationship itself. Pre-emptive couples work during pregnancy or the early postpartum period can make an enormous difference in reestablishing connection.

Blending families. Stepfamilies and blended families face a particular set of relational challenges for which most couples are not fully prepared. The research suggests that blended family dynamics are one of the leading reasons for second marriage difficulties. Couples counseling before or early in the blending process can help partners create a shared parenting philosophy and maintain their connection through the complexity.

Navigating major career changes or relocations. Moves, job losses, new careers, and significant income shifts all put stress on relationships in ways that can be invisible until they have already done damage. Addressing the relational impact of these changes early, in a supported environment, prevents the stress from quietly eroding connection.

Returning from deployment or extended absence. Reunification after a significant period apart is its own kind of adjustment, and it is often harder than people expect. Both partners change to some degree during separation, living separate lives. The rhythms of daily life reorganize around absence. Couples therapy during reintegration can help both people navigate the transition without losing each other in it.

Retirement. Retirement brings its own disruption to relationship dynamics when partners find themselves spending a lot more time together, with less autonomy, and sometimes, not enough of a felt sense of purpose in the new phase of life. Partners can have different needs and desires in this chapter, and challenges navigating them. Couples who address this transition intentionally and really plan for it tend to fare significantly better than those who assume it will sort itself out.

Couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship is failing. It is a sign that your relationship matters enough to tend, that you are choosing to be intentional rather than reactive about one of the most important investments of your life.

How to Find a Couples Therapist in Denver: Starting Couples Counseling at BE Therapy

If you have read this far and something has resonated, whether you are in crisis or simply feeling the quiet drift of disconnection, the first step is usually the hardest one: making the call.

At BE Therapy in Denver, I offer a free 20-minute consultation for new clients. This is not a sales conversation. It is a genuine opportunity to talk about what is bringing you in, ask questions about the process, and get a feel for whether working together makes sense. There is no pressure and no commitment required.

What I can tell you from years of work with Denver couples is this: the couples who regret starting therapy are very few, while the couples who regret waiting are many. You do not have to be in crisis to deserve support. You just have to be willing to be vulnerable and reach for something more fulfilling.

That willingness–the fact that you are reading this–looking for answers, wondering if it might be time, is already a beginning. As Esther Perel also eloquently stated, you can begin a new relationship with someone else, or you can begin a new one with your partner!

About BE Therapy

Bozhena Evans, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of BE Therapy, a Denver-based practice specializing in couples therapy, sex therapy, and brainspotting for anxiety. Bozhena brings warmth, clinical depth, and a deeply relational approach to every session, drawing on the latest research in attachment, neuroscience, and somatic healing to help couples and individuals build more honest, connected, and fulfilling lives. She works with clients in-person in the Denver metro area and via telehealth throughout Colorado.

Ready to Take the Next Step? Book a Free Couples Therapy Consultation in Denver

You do not have to wait for a crisis. If something in this post resonated, reach out today. BE Therapy offers a free 20-minute consultation for new clients, a no-pressure conversation to explore whether working together feels like the right fit.

The post When to Start Couples Therapy: What Denver Couples Need to Know Before a Crisis Hits appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

Romantic date ideas in Denver, a curated list by Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist in Wheat Ridge, CO

I talk a lot about the importance of keeping the romance alive in our long-term committed relationships.

This is especially relevant to those who have experienced and survived multiple chapters of ups and downs with regard to eroticism. Date nights aren’t reserved for the honeymoon period alone–they’re just as important and enlivening in later stages of a relationship as in its inception. Whether you’re a busy working couple with the added burden of raising children, or childless partners defaulting to your vocation or other non-sexy comfort zones in which to pour most of your energy, I’m here to help you work on intentionally carving out opportunities for actual romantic experiences, which will infuse your relationship with that delicious eros that it craves. (More on my couples counseling and sex therapy after my sexiest spots for dates in Denver directory below.)

As I am a Denver Metropolitan area resident and proud Coloradan, I thought it might be fun to share just a few among many of my favorite romantic local activities for those of you locals reading.

Maybe these ideas will inspire non-Coloradans to do your own exploration of your local fun/romantic spots that offer sensory stimulation and allow for romantic energy to flow. There are too many bars, restaurants, and other special places to include, but here is a list of a few great spots that really stand out in my mind:

Major Tom Restaurant (Rino)

It’s a more upscale but not stuffy restaurant with a beautiful atmosphere, artsy aesthetic, and excellent cuisine for the price point. It’s an intimate space with outdoor seating as well. This may be a bit decadent for a first date, but definitely a must for someone special. https://majortomdenver.com

ESP Bar Denver

An exquisite little bar/lounge. As written directly on the bar’s website, “ESP (Extra Sensory Perception) hints to the feeling for us when all senses, sight, smell, touch, taste and sound are in harmony. You can’t put your finger on it, but everything just feels… right.” I couldn’t say it better! If you want to grab a delicious beverage in an aesthetically and multi-sensorially stimulating space, go here with your cutie. https://esphifi.co

Harkins Arvada Movie Theater

Located on the northwestern side of town, it has a cute retro aesthetic, a little bar inside for those who like an adult beverage before/after their movie, and super comfortable plush recliner chairs to view the movie of your choice. https://www.harkins.com/theatres/arvada-14

Tatarian Denver

This is a small yet vibrant, woman-owned little cocktail lounge with exquisite cocktails that’s perfect for a date evening! I love how cozy it is, and conducive to good conversation as it’s rarely too loud. https://www.thetatarian.com

Denver Botanical Garden on York Street

Of course, I couldn’t help but include this stunner. Even though it’s typically thought of as more of a daytime place to visit, some might forget that it’s open until the evening and serves as quite the romantic setting for a stroll and chat with a loved one or even a newer crush! https://www.botanicgardens.org

Clocktower Cabaret of Denver

This unique event spot offers entertaining burlesque shows in a cute venue inside of the Downtown Denver clocktower. Grab some dinner beforehand and head over here if you and your main squeeze are comfortable viewing the somewhat ancient art of burlesque theater, with always some form of creative themes to accompany each show…this can be a more overt way to generate erotic energy. https://www.clocktowercabaret.com

About Your Curator: Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Owner & Founder of BE Therapy

Hi, I’m Bozhena Evans, LCSW, Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist near Denver, Colorado in Arvada, CO.

In my experience, a couple can start out hot and steamy with their attraction, chemistry, and great sex, but they might struggle with emotional intimacy free of fears, disappointments, and trust issues.

Understandably, a healthy companionship becomes more challenging in this case as the couple works to explore and heal their wounds until a more secure attachment develops. 

On the flipside, and what I see often in my office, is that many couples in long-term committed relationships report having less trouble managing their domestic responsibilities and may report being great companions but say that eroticism has been largely neglected and needs reviving. In other words, the partners get along and cohabitate quite well but have allowed all other areas of focus, and the natural course of sharing proximity with someone over time, to dampen their desire for one another. Many times, at least one of the partners craves more heat to reenter the relationship. More likely, they both want to increase romantic energy but may have different needs for accessing desire for one another.

Even the act of exploration in itself is exciting and fun. Hence the importance of this list!

Multiple couples and sex therapists speak to the difference between companionship and eroticism in a committed relationship. In fact, we know from couples and sex therapy gurus like Esther Perel that exploration and excitement are opposite forces from safety and stability, which as mentioned earlier, many couples may possess while nonetheless struggling with eroticism. Again, setting an intention to have more romantic, fun and exploratory date nights is one important avenue through which eroticism can be increased and enhanced, also allowing the couple a bit of an escape from the more mundane or serious tasks of daily life.

To explain how folks differ in their ability to access desire is beyond the scope of this post and will be discussed in another; however, it’s fair to say more generally that remembering to keep romance alive is something many of us in long-term committed relationships can strive to improve. We forget that we mustn’t take our relationships for granted, even as we feel cozy and settled into them. Usually, at least one partner craves more excitement or lust in the relationship, so if we remember to actively work at keeping the eros alive, which involves supplementing the more grounding energies of a relationship with more playfulness, fun, and excitement, we end up feeling more connected and joyful as partners. 

Could your relationship use some sparks? Save this list and see which one suits you best. Need more than sparks? Perhaps some couples therapy?

BE Therapy | Bozhena Evans LCSW

Ready to take the next step? Book a free 20-minute consultation, a no-pressure conversation to see if working together feels like the right fit. In person in Wheat Ridge and via telehealth throughout Colorado and California.

The post A (Local’s) Quest for the Perfect Romantic Spots Near Denver, Colorado appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

The divorce statistics are all too familiar to us, as we all know, they’ve stayed high for decades–lingering around 40-50%, and sex outside of the marriage without the consent of the marriage partner at approximately 20% (though it may be higher as secrecy around the issue prevents disclosure in many cases). And these numbers do not include other forms of extra-relational connection which are harder to measure.  

Is the traditional model of marriage working for couples? The answer predictably is, sometimes. And what does it mean when it is “working”? 

As an individual and couples therapist I can discuss a slew of existential phenomena and mental health issues that impact my clients, but I’d like to focus here on the omnipresent marital woes that show up particularly around the midlife period or for parents, around the time that the heavy task of raising children is underway. I have observed both professionally and personally that it is around this time that couples are frequently faced with the often stark realization that a disconnection between partners has occurred, relating to emotional, recreational, existential, romantic or sexual needs. It leads us back to the question of just how well is marriage working for today’s couples?  

Many of the individuals and couples I see come to me at pivotal points in their long-term committed relationships. The common concerns for these clients seem to be around feeling less connected with their partners, in many of the ways described above. Most of these folks are ready to make changes and commit to improving their relationships even while others drift farther away from their partners and ultimately separate. What I have discovered is that in those relationships where the couple seems to be generally content and connected, there are several factors that are present. 

As highly acclaimed couples and marriage therapist John Gottman, PhD, discovered in his research and noted in his book The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work, those couples who did not show chronic signs of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling were the most emotionally connected and amicable, and their marriages had the highest survival rates.

He also discovered that “turning toward” one’s partner at times when the partner makes a “bid for connection,” as well as frequent expressions of “fondness and admiration” or appreciation led to higher feelings of love and connectedness between partners. I see the same in my work with couples: those who offer more loving gestures and words to one another and generally move through conflict more smoothly tend to be in better relational shape, as it were.

Furthermore, for clients who come to me motivated to improve their respective relationships, some express curiosity about opening the relationship up to include other intimate connections, and some couples contact me for support for their existing polyamorous relationships, often referred to as consensual/ethical non-monogamy (CNM/ENM).

Not only the boomer generation will widen its eyes or snicker at this growing–and often somewhat taboo–relationship trend, since it has its roots in the “free love” hippie movement in the 60s and 70s. Plenty of otherwise more self-proclaimed evolved folks today might show skepticism about this structure as well. But whatever personal feelings one might have about polyamorous arrangements, I encourage educating ourselves as we would when looking at any other minority demographics. “Polyamory” is an umbrella term for many different types of non-exclusive relationships with others, from low to high sexual exclusivity (yep, some folks don’t even care that much about the sex; they just like having multiple intimate connections).

There is plenty to say about polyamory and CNM structures that will be left to another more in-depth post, and of course it is not for everyone. However, I present this relationship framework specifically because it is evidence that traditional monogamous relationship/marriage structures aren’t working for everyone, and CNM offers some couples an opportunity for a more invigorating and fulfilling chapter of their lives if they navigate it conscientiously and with attuned self-awareness of insecurities, fears, and needs. These folks express wishing to have greater need fulfillment, more personal growth, and greater sexual and self expression in their lives, which poly structures may afford them. I particularly enjoy seeing evolution in relationship structures since I often wonder, why should we be limited to a binary decision between couplehood and divorce? Perhaps marriage working means including these additional open-minded thoughts and potential behaviors.

I have seen clients with irreparable volatility and wounding that has destabilized some marriages; some clients may eventually divorce, others might fizzle out of therapy, but couples who really commit fully to doing the hard work that is required of keeping long-term committed relationships healthy and joyful have higher chances of thriving.

When clients commit to learning how to identify triggers and tender points, take accountability for hurt feelings, experiment with new communication patterns, and persevere to speak each other’s love languages in order to keep their so-called love tanks nice and full, they tend to enjoy greater longevity. Having an openness of mind and security in oneself and each other is another protective factor for couples who might want more excitement in their marriage, i.e. in sexual growth. Those who can manage any of these feats or relate to the supportive traits mentioned here deserve recognition for making their marriages function. If you are one of these couples who has put in this work, you should feel fulfillment and pride in your accomplishment!

About Bozhena Evans | BE Therapy Couples Counseling & Sex Therapy in Wheat Ridge, CO

Bozhena Evans, the compassionate owner of BE Therapy in Wheat Ridge, Colorado, is a dedicated couples counselor with a passion for helping individuals and relationships thrive.

With a warm and non-judgmental approach, Bozhena creates a safe and supportive space for couples to explore their challenges and work towards healing and growth. Her extensive training and experience in various therapeutic modalities allow her to tailor her approach to each unique couple, fostering effective communication, conflict resolution, and deepening connection.

Bozhena believes that every couple has the potential to overcome obstacles and create a loving, harmonious partnership. Through her guidance, couples gain valuable insights, develop effective coping strategies, and learn to navigate the complexities of their relationship with empathy and understanding. Bozhena’s genuine care for her clients shines through in every session, as she actively listens, validates their experiences, and provides the tools and support needed for lasting change. Whether couples are questioning their marriage working, are facing communication issues, trust issues, or struggling with intimacy, Bozhena’s expertise and compassionate approach make her a trusted ally on their journey towards a healthier and happier relationship (whether with their partner, or themselves.)

Want to Make an Appointment for Counseling? Click the link below:

BE Therapy | Bozhena Evans LCSW

Ready to take the next step? Book a free 20-minute consultation, a no-pressure conversation to see if working together feels like the right fit. In person in Wheat Ridge and via telehealth throughout Colorado and California.

The post How Well is Marriage Working for Modern Couples? appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.

Attachment styles are the different ways individuals develop and navigate interpersonal relationships and emotional bonds to others, primarily romantic partners, based on each individual’s early childhood experiences with their caregivers. As a means of survival to better fit into their family system, children begin to adapt to their caregiver’s way of attuning to or meeting/not meeting their biological, physical, and emotional needs. However in adulthood, these adaptations can become maladaptive in how they show up when attempting to get needs met within the romantic relationship. Other life experiences and traumas also have an impact on attachment styles and how individuals show up in their romantic relationships. 

The most commonly discussed attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. 

Secure attachment is a style of relating to people that involves feeling secure in one’s connection with them, including when physically apart, and being comfortable expressing one’s thoughts and feelings. 

Anxious attachment is characterized by feeling insecure and worried about one’s relationships and often leads to more “clingy” behavior or feeling like one’s needs are unable to be met. 

Avoidant attachment is characterized by a discomfort with emotional expression and a more emotionally distant personality, including difficulty opening up to others and forming more intimate relationships.

Disorganized attachment results when children experience trauma or lack of physical and emotional safety, so as they grow they struggle both with giving and receiving love as a result of trust issues. This can look like a combo of both extremely avoidant and extremely anxious styles and an overall unstable relational experience with loved ones.

Why do some of us have disordered or “dysfunctional” attachment styles?

People may have disordered attachment styles due to many different reasons such as difficult early experiences with caregivers or trauma, instability in the home, mental health issues in the family, and other forms of interpersonal stress. 

Disordered attachment can occur when a person’s primary caregivers are unable to consistently provide supportive and nurturing care, when emotional attunement is unavailable or dismissed by the caregiver(s) as being important for the child, or when they experience trauma, neglect, or abuse. 

What are the most compatible attachment styles?

The most compatible attachment styles tend to be securely attached individuals, who feel safe and secure in their relationships, as well as individuals with an avoidant attachment style, who seek independence and autonomy in their relationships. 

This being said, oftentimes, opposites attract and anxiously attached individuals attract more avoidant individuals and vice versa. Anxiously attached individuals tend to be more charismatic and outwardly expressive while avoidantly attached individuals tend to be more grounded and concrete thinkers, as well as slower processors. It is possible for these two styles to coexist in a healthy and balanced relationship, with each person respecting and understanding the other’s needs for autonomy and connection.

How can you form a secure attachment style?

Forming a secure attachment style starts with opening yourself up to connection with the people around you and building a secure base through open communication, mutual trust, and support. This of course takes practice and a commitment to working on creating an environment of safe acceptance and understanding with loved ones. 

Specifically, be available, provide comfort, and demonstrate a consistent nurturing style. Understanding your partner’s style can help you better attune to him/her and vice versa, thereby helping you to both move toward secure attachment.

Establishing clear boundaries and limits is also important for forming secure attachment. Through this, you can communicate your needs and expectations while also being accommodating and open to compromise. 

Couples and individual counseling/therapy can really help teach individuals about their own attachment style as well as that of their partner and the origins of these due to childhood history and life experiences. Counseling can also help manage emotional triggers that may result during conflict between partners and help each individual better emotionally regulate him/herself, thus fostering more conscious connection, trust, and more secure attachment.

Want to see how these styles play out between partners? Read The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship: How Attachment Style Is Quietly Running Your Relationship, and What to Do About It.

About Bozhena Evans | BE Therapy

Hi, I’m Bozhena Evans, LCSW and couples counselor/sex therapist based in Colorado who works with individuals and couples to gain insight into how to be happier and more fulfilled together.

There are many ways to reconnect with your partner, and learning about attachment styles and how to compliment each other’s – can go a long way.

If you’ve been yearning for a better relationship with your partner, please do not hesitate to reach out for a complimentary initial consultation by phone to see if we are indeed a good fit for individual or couples relationship counseling. I look forward to hearing from you!

BE Therapy | Bozhena Evans LCSW

Ready to take the next step? Book a free 20-minute consultation, a no-pressure conversation to see if working together feels like the right fit. In person in Wheat Ridge and via telehealth throughout Colorado and California.

The post What are attachment styles? How do they form? appeared first on Bozhena Evans Therapy.