We live in a moment when people are asking harder, braver questions about love. Not just who they love, but how — and whether the structures handed down to them still fit. Monogamy has long been the assumed default, the invisible water we all swim in. But more and more people are surfacing, looking around, and wondering: is this the only way?
Ethical Non-Monogamy — ENM, sometimes called CNM, or Consensual Non-Monogamy — is one answer to that question. Not the only answer. Not necessarily the right one for you. But a legitimate, increasingly visible one. And as a therapist, I think it deserves a real conversation — not a whispered one.
What Is ENM, Exactly?
ENM is an umbrella term for any relationship structure in which all partners knowingly and consensually engage in romantic or sexual connections with more than one person. The word ethical is doing heavy lifting there. It distinguishes these arrangements from infidelity or deception — the foundation of ENM is transparency, communication, and active consent from everyone involved.
Within that umbrella, the structures vary enormously. In her excellent book Polysecure, psychotherapist Jessica Fern maps the landscape clearly:
- Polyamory — having multiple loving, romantic relationships simultaneously, with everyone’s knowledge
- Open relationships — a primary partnership that allows for outside sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections
- Relationship anarchy — rejecting hierarchy and labels altogether, allowing each connection to define itself organically
- Solo polyamory — engaging in multiple relationships while prioritizing personal autonomy and not seeking a traditional “primary” partner
- Kitchen table polyamory — a style where all partners in a network are comfortable sitting around the same table together, knowing one another
- Parallel polyamory — multiple relationships that remain more separate, with less overlap between partners
None of these is more evolved or more valid than another. They are simply different architectures — each with their own demands, rewards, and challenges.
The Myth of the Perfect Relationship Structure
Here is something I want to say plainly: there is no perfect relationship structure. Not monogamy. Not polyamory. Not anything in between.
Whatever container you choose for your love life, conflict will find its way in. Jealousy does not disappear in ENM — it often becomes more visible, more demanding of your attention. And monogamy is not a shield against loneliness, disconnection, or the slow erosion of desire. The structure itself is not the solution.
Esther Perel, whose work I deeply admire, captures this well: we ask more of our romantic relationships today than any previous generation ever has. We want a partner who is our best friend, our co-parent, our intellectual equal, our erotic adventure, our emotional safe harbor. That is an enormous ask — and it strains every kind of relationship, regardless of how many people are in it.
The question, then, is not which structure is better but rather which structure fits who you actually are, what you genuinely need, and what you and your partners can honestly sustain. That is a more interesting — and more honest — question.
ENM and Attachment: What Jessica Fern’s Polysecure Teaches Us
One of the most important contributions Jessica Fern makes in Polysecure is bringing attachment theory into the ENM conversation. Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by researchers like Mary Ainsworth, describes the way we bond with caregivers in childhood — and how those early patterns show up in our adult relationships.
Most people are familiar with the four primary styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (or anxious-avoidant). Fern’s insight is that these styles don’t disappear in ENM — if anything, non-monogamous structures can amplify them.
Consider what ENM asks of people: the ability to tolerate a partner’s absence, to manage anxiety when they are with someone else, to communicate needs without collapsing into demand or withdrawing into silence, to trust without constant reassurance. For someone with an anxious attachment style, each of these can feel excruciating. For someone avoidant, the emotional labor of multiple relationships — the ongoing check-ins, the meta-conversations, the scheduling, the vulnerability — can quickly become overwhelming.
This is why Fern argues that secure attachment is the foundation ENM functions best from. Not that you must be perfectly secure to explore non-monogamy — most of us are carrying some degree of anxious or avoidant patterning. But the more securely you are attached — to yourself and to your partners — the better equipped you are to navigate the genuine complexity ENM brings.
The good news, as Fern points out, is that attachment styles are not fixed. She describes earned secure attachment — the process by which adults, often through therapy or deeply reparative relationships, move toward greater security. This means that working on your attachment patterns is not a prerequisite you must complete before entering ENM, but it is work that will serve you profoundly if you are in it or considering it.
What ENM Requires (That Nobody Warns You About)
People sometimes come to ENM with the idea that it will solve something — a desire gap, a stagnant relationship, a longing for novelty. And while ENM can be deeply fulfilling, it rarely solves pre-existing problems. More often, it reveals them.
ENM requires:
Radical honesty. Not just the absence of lying, but a willingness to say things out loud that feel terrifying — I feel jealous. I feel left out. I need more from you. I am not okay right now. Couples who struggle to have one hard conversation will find that ENM multiplies the opportunities for hard conversations exponentially.
Emotional self-sufficiency. In a monogamous relationship, it is easy to outsource emotional regulation to a single partner. ENM asks you to develop a stronger relationship with yourself — to know what you need, to tolerate discomfort, to soothe yourself when your partner is not available.
Time and logistical capacity. Multiple relationships take time. They take calendar space, emotional bandwidth, and energy. This is not a minor consideration. Fern calls this relationship capital — and it is finite.
Ongoing renegotiation. ENM agreements are not set-and-forget. They evolve. What felt comfortable six months ago may not feel comfortable now. Checking in regularly — not just when something goes wrong — is not optional. It is the structure itself.
So… Is ENM Right for You?
This is the question I get asked, in various forms, by clients who are curious, confused, or already in the thick of it. And my honest answer is always: it depends.
It depends on your attachment style and your willingness to work on it. It depends on your capacity for honest communication — not your intentions, but your actual current skill level. It depends on whether you are drawn to ENM from a place of genuine desire and curiosity, or from a place of avoidance, escape, or pressure from a partner.
It depends on your values, your lifestyle, your social context, your nervous system, and frankly, your schedule.
What I notice in my work with clients is that the people who thrive in ENM share a few qualities. They tend to have a solid sense of self — they know who they are outside of their relationships. They are willing to feel uncomfortable and stay curious about that discomfort rather than immediately acting on it. They have, or are actively building, the communication skills to navigate conflict without either imploding or shutting down. And they have chosen this structure, rather than stumbled into it.
Equally, the people who thrive in monogamy are not simply people who settled or lacked imagination. They are people who find genuine depth, meaning, and freedom within a committed dyad. Who find that the container of one partnership allows them to go deeper rather than wider. Neither path is lesser.
A Note on Couples Considering ENM Together
If you and your partner are exploring whether to open your relationship, I want to offer one piece of clinical wisdom: do not open a struggling relationship hoping ENM will help it. It almost never does. What it tends to do is introduce additional complexity into an already fragile system.
The better sequence is to do the relational work first — to address the underlying disconnection, resentment, or communication breakdowns — and then, from a place of genuine security and clarity, to decide together whether ENM is something you both actively want, not just something one of you is tolerating.
Couples therapy, whether you are monogamous or non-monogamous, is a place to have those conversations with support. To slow down, get honest, and figure out what you actually want — not just what you think you should want, or what you are afraid to admit you want.
The Takeaway
ENM is not a trend, a phase, or a threat to relationships. It is a legitimate and increasingly common way that people are choosing to love. It is also not for everyone — and that is equally okay.
What matters most is not the label you choose but the intention behind it: Are you choosing this consciously? Are all partners genuinely on board? Are you doing the inner work that any relationship structure demands?
Whether your relationship is monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in the vast and nuanced space between — the same things matter. Honesty. Curiosity. The courage to keep showing up for yourself and for the people you love.
If you are navigating questions about relationship structure, attachment, or what you actually want from love, I work with individuals and couples in the Denver and Wheat Ridge area — and I would be glad to think through it with you.
Bozhena Evans is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and certified Brainspotting therapist based in Wheat Ridge, CO. She specializes in anxiety, couples counseling, sex therapy, and ENM-affirming care. Reach her at BozhenaEvansTherapy@gmail.com or (970) 439-1604.